And tears fall...

Was just watching "Bones" with my husband and at the end, I just broke into tears! I want a baby so badly and can not wait to see my husband's face light up when he sees our baby on ultrasound for the first time. On the show, Bones shows Booth the ultrasound video of their daughter and he just lights up. That, more than anything, is why I want another child.

I love my four children SO much, but I feel so empty without this mystery baby. My eldest, K, was born two months after I split with her sperm donor. He had been unfaithful in our relationship, so I left. He was never into the pregnancy; I was on my own from the beginning, so leaving him was simple. My middle daughter, T, came to be on one of the two occassions that I was with her father. We were never together during my pregnancy. I became pregnant with my youngest daughter, I, after I was drugged at a bar and forced into sex by a man who I knew. And lastly, my son, is not biologically related to my husband or myself.

I missed out on so much during my pregnancies. I never got to experience the joys shared between a mother and father when they are having a baby. I want those silly moments: telling him "Its positive!", hearing the heartbeat for the first time, ultrasound, finding out baby's sex, first kicks, and of course...birth! I want someone to share them with. I crave it. Yes, I want a baby. I can't wait to cuddle this little angel that I want so badly, but more than the physical bundle of joy...I want the emotional connection that can only be shared by two people, in love, who just created a life.

I feel that I will implode without it! It becomes harder and harder to grasp every day, that a baby won't happen for me. But I hope and pray and try to keep the faith that one day, my dreams will come true!



This morning my temp spiked back up...if it stays up tomorrow, I would say its triphasic. I have been nauseaus for three days, but I know way to early for "real" morning sickness to even be there. I am sure its all in my brain but one can hope.